No, this is not an Onion article. It’s an article about Lady-Friendly Doritos that are in development in PepsiCo’s cutting-edge and very imaginative labs. The PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi declared that women “don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.” Interesting.
To answer this calling need for a femme-chip, Doritos is creating a chip that is “low crunch” and keeps the same “taste profile”, but less Dorito dust will stick to our lady fingers. Hallelujah. They are also graciously making the pack smaller (WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THAT BEFORE) so we can fit it into our purse.
Because apparently we’ve just been way too loud lately and our snacks must be silenced.
We already have a number of questions: How loud is too loud of a crunch? How generous can a finger lick be? Is it still flu season? Is a woman ‘in public’ if she is in a room full of other women? Or does a man have to be present to create a ‘public’? If a woman crunches a man-Dorito in private, did she even have a snack? Will the inside of the tiny bag be reflective enough to reapply my lipstick post mini-purse snack? Will these Doritos also freshen our breath? Will they make man-Doritos that are even crunchier and powdery-er because I mean we’re all on a spectrum? Could we get the same effect by opening a bag of man-Doritos the day before we want to consume them?
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for PepsiCo has informed the world that this is all one big misunderstanding, that women can still eat gender neutral Doritos, and that development of a Doritos product specific for women is not underway. She then added, “At the same time, we know needs and preferences continue to evolve, and we’re always looking for new ways to engage and delight our customers.”
Then, slightly more suspect, the spokeswoman did not elaborate on Nooyi’s tease of mentioning “snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently,” saying, “I can’t yet give any more details beyond what Indra relayed in the podcast. However, I will be able to in a few months.”
So…what IS coming down the PepsiCo pipe? We shall wait with bated and Dorito-y breath.